Back in the fold

 Looks like I need a few more aliases for friends: A quick search on this blog shows I haven't written anything about a group of friends I use to hang out with a lot in the early 2000s.  I actually knew these people in high school as I was classmates with Ross and met his sister Monica and her friend Katness way back when, though we lost touch during college years.  In 2002 we ran into each other at Movies in the Park and I think we did like we always do whenever we ran into each other over the years since high school: exchange business cards, promise to keep in touch and then forget about it.

However, this time his sister stepped in and emailed me a day or two later.  We got together for a catch up dinner and Monica invited me to join them for their weekly MSTV night -- when they would take turns hosting dinner and watching the NBC lineup of Friends, Will & Grace and ER.  This is the group that K of KandJ is part of.  Katness went to high school with Monica.I should add that I'm sort of the Ted McGinley of the group as I came along well after this tradition was established, though somehow I moved into the primary core of the group.

In the years that have followed a strange thing has happened.  At first Monica and I were good friends, emailing every day and getting together whenever we could, picking up our friendship were it had left off from our high school days.  Ross and I were never tight in high school, but we got along and hung out in the same groups from time to time.  Monica's friend Katness however didn't seem very friendly.  I don't know if I was simply a useless male or if I had offended her somehow back in the day and she was still holding a grudge.

However, something changed somehow because over the years, Monica and I have grown apart while Katness and I have become better friends.  Not the interested in every aspect of each others lives friends the way Monica and I were, but I was invited to her wedding and she does take a spectators interest in my love life.

Anyway, while we've been couple dating KandJ, we have fallen out of sorts with Monica and one of the less frequent members of the MSTV crowd.  On Saturday that changed.

We were invited back into the larger MSTV gang.  With weddings there is always someone you wish you had invited and didn't and someone you invited and wish you hadn't.  Ours was no exception and when we got married, we couldn't invite everyone and one couple from the extended branch of the MSTV gang didn't make the cut.  So for the last three years on the few occasions where we did see them there was a slight understandable cold shoulder.

At the same time we also didn't see much of Ross or Monica either.  They actually opted to skip our wedding for a family reunion in Canada on the same day.   And I wouldn't have minded so much if Monica had told me when we were at Ravina two months prior. 

Any way since we, like KandJ are having twins and Basia and her husband also had twins a few years ago, we are now in the Parents-of-Twins club.  I don't really we are going to be hanging out as much as we did in the pre-married days.  But it is nice that fences are being mended and doors opened so that it is easier on everyone to have the entire crew over.

Is that how they do it on your Planet?

So the following email arrived in my inbox the other morning:

Hey Icarus, you haven't responded to any of my invitations lately. Let me know if you want me to stop sending them to you. When you don't reply, it gives me the impression that you don't see any value in my invitations, and it that's true, then I'd rather save you the time and me the effort and just not include you on the distribution list.

My first thought was to send a response saying "I'm sorry you are such a complete doink and I need to lower my expectations regarding any future dealings with you accordingly."

Instead I took some time to Flip the Script and look at it from her point of view. Is it possible that I really did offend her? I did blatantly ignore the invitation and did not feel the need to send either a "thanks but not interested" or "would but I'm too busy" email? The wording of the invitations said to let this person know IF I was interested. My informal and totally unscientific survey (I asked two different people) shows that most people will assume if you don't answer an email, you either aren't interested or are too busy to partake of said activity anyway.

Personally, I don't like this approach and avoid it but IIFC I was legitimately busy around the time of said invitation.

But this is different. This "friend" (let's call her Monica) is notorious for:

• Internalizing everything,
• Conceding nothing, and
• Keeping meticulous score.

I forwarded Monica's email to some friends, a few who knew her and her little quirks, and a few who have never met her. The I-Never-Met-Monica camp told me to run, not walk away from her. They suspect that she has issues. If only it were that simple. Her Issues have Issues. And her Issue's Issue's have pets.

The friends we share in common invited me to the next Friends-of-Monica Support Group meeting. Essentially they pointed out that behavior that is quite acceptable in other friendships are not tolerated from her. If you don't respond to Monica immediately -- and if you could respond before she sends something out, that would be optimal -- she interprets it as you are holding out for a better offer.

What? And miss out on a chance to spend quality time with Ms "don't see any value in my invitations". But wait, the hits just keep on comin'. Our mutual friends went on to assure me that while they understand that everyone has other friends and difficult schedules and plans are sometimes very fluid, Monica doesn't see it that way. More Monicaisms:

If you have conflicting plans and can't make something she has suggested, let her know immediately;

She would prefer you provide the details of why you can't make it;

Saying you might be able to make it is permitted, but, it always makes Monica feel like you were holding out for a better offer.

So let's review:

• If Monica invites me to something, and I have definite plans, I have to tell her what I'm choosing over her. That will set her off.
• If I have tentative plans that might get canceled or postponed, I can say I might be able to make it, but that will also upset her.  

Seems like I'm caught between a rock and a social challenged friend.

 The really sad news is, we created this monster. All these years of taking the path of least resistance and not calling Monica out on her behavior has given her license to act the way she does.