A step in the right direction

First, a story.  When we were getting married NG and I did the wedding protocol.  We sent out Save-the-dates and subsequently, wedding invites.  A particular person was dodgy on providing their address the first time I asked and I should have taken that as a hint.

Fast forward, on our wedding invite RSVP they wrote that not only couldn't they attend, they couldn't attend because they had a block party they had to be at.  As someone who has been accused of being tactless, not reading the room, social manners lite, etc, I fail to understand why people overshare shit like this.  What is the thought process?  why share that the most important day of my life gets trumped by a bouncy house and drunk neighbors!  And the kicker?  this asshat went through a wedding themself so they should know how precious each limited seat is.

Now to the present.  Another friend is getting married soon and we are invited to the wedding.  It's impractical to attend, especially since we have had plans to be in Chicago two weeks prior.  But there is also the "this friend has been on radio silence" for a bit factor.

Dark Icarus would look at it like, oh you reach out when you need something from me but have ignored my texts and messages.  But trying to be a better person Icarus is thinking that the right thing to do here is not hold a seat hostage until the last minute.   

So I declined the invite well in advance of the RSVP date.  

Vendors we used for our Polish Wedding

Every so often as friends get engaged, I get asked about our wedding planning, specifically the various vendors we used.  So I figured I'd write a post about them and compile the contact info in one place so I can just forward the link next time I'm asked.  Laziness meet internet.  Note: I'm providing the info I have for these vendors.  I'm assuming if they have moved or changed anything, your Google-fu skills will be sufficient to track them down if you so choose to do so.

Where we got our bling!

For those who don't know, we officially became engaged on Halloween, 2010.  We tossed around dates to get married and realized 10-01-11 was coming up and figured we'd try for that if it wasn't too much of a hassle to get a church and reception hall on that date.  I called St Vincent de Paul which I was/am a member of and they were booked a year and a half out.

Church

We used Holy Trinity Roman Catholic Church because 1) I'm Polish and 2) we're catholic though not really practicing anymore.  My reason for wanting to use this church was if Poles like me don't start using it, it won't be around for much longer.  Luckily it was conveniently located to SIL West Town House and it has a large parking lot and is right off the expressway.  It was also available and cheaper than the more popular churches like Old St Patrick's and St Vincent DePaul.

Polska Misja Duszpasterska
w Chicago
1118 N Noble Street
Chicago, IL 60642
Tel. (773) 489-4140


Reception
It was the afternoon of  New Year's Eve and we had some time to kill so we drove out here to check the place out.  In their lounge, they had a happy hour with a free buffet so we ordered a drink.  We were wowed by the appetizers -- fish sticks if I recall correctly.  We figured if their happy hour food was this good their entrees and other items had to rock.

Mirage by Sheraton
10255 W Irving Park Rd
Schiller Park, IL  60176
847-671-4230
http://www.miragefourpoints.com/pl,start,index.html


Photographer
We used   Laura Witherow because two of our other friends each used her for their wedding.  Nightingale felt obligated to use her even though I wanted to interview another photographer.  Since I got my pick of church, I didn't put up a fight on this one.  Especially since we had limited free time.

Laura Witherow Photography 
(773) 853-5606
laura@laurawitherow.com
http://www.laurawitherow.com

as an alternate, I'd like to suggest

Suzy Rohan
Lily Red Studio
(312) 428-5033
info@lilyredstudio.com
http://www.lilyredstudio.com

Florist
We used this place and got a discount for paying in cash. Keep in mind this is a small shop operation and I think the poor Polish lady does the lion share of the work.

4Getmenot Inc
5519 W Montrose Ave
Chicago, IL 60641
Neighborhood: Portage Park
(773) 777-2575

Deejay and Limo Driver
I don't have this info at the moment but look for an update soon.  Initially, we had a Groupon for a Deejay and were excited that we might save some cash on this event.  However, half of Chicago apparently bought the same Groupon and overwhelmed the deejay so much that he split town.  We got our money back thanks to Groupons awesome refund policy.

I believe we ended up with one of the Mirage's preferred vendors.  And by preferred vendors, I really do mean preferred as in recommended because they've worked there before and know the lay of the land, not preferred as required because they give a kickback like Cafe Bauer.

Update:  For a Deejay, we used John Coyne at

AbsoluteDiscJockey.com
866.687.4248
847.361.6201

Two Weddings, Two Communions, same God

We went to two wedding in one Saturday a couple weeks ago and I suppose I should say something about that. Because we made the effort, the first party sat us at their table as guests of honor, which I believe was quite classy, if rather unnecessary.

This photo is aligned right just like the groom's politics

This of course had the intended benefit of us staying a little longer than planned such that we got to the second ceremony just in time to receive our second communion of the day.

We were seated with Sabrina who was one of the few single women there so she got a lot of attention from a couple of the single guys. Never got the 411 on what happened though there was a FB post later that evening showing everyone having a good time.

While that picture was being taken, we were at the second reception, sitting with a group of the bride's coworkers. They were a nice friendly enough bunch to get through the evening with no expectation of long term bonding. The gentleman next to me was excited because he and his son had run the SF10 together. I mentioned that I had run it too but didn't share my results as that would have seemed like boasting.

The reception was at a golf club on the south side and it was a dated but elegant club. Couple two hired a live band from the Red Hat Piano Lounge and really wanted people to come out and dance so we obliged.

We made a short term friend at this wedding who was interesting to talk to although I cannot remember her name. I guess that term ended.

I should say something profound about these couples getting married relatively later in life than they had hoped.  Indeed, I'm all out of profound these days.. So how about this instead. 

Weddings are quite the Protocol Mine Fields

I have two friends who are getting married on June 1st this year.  The wedding ceremonies are 4 hours and 30+ miles apart, with the respective receptions starting immediately after.  In theory, this should be lunch and dinner with two close friends whom I've known for years.  In reality it will be a delicate balance of spending enough time at each and dealing with traffic.

My options are: 

• Goto the first wedding we were invited to, skip the second altogether.  Practical but kinda cold.
• Goto the first wedding, skip the reception and head to the second wedding and reception.  This leave a lot of spare time between and we have to forage for food in unknown suburbs.
• Goto the first wedding, stay for the reception and potentially miss the second wedding but hit that reception.  Wouldn't be the worst though I still cring that some of my friends missed out on seeing the Polish Church we got married at because they opted to just make the reception.
• Goto the first wedding, stay for the reception and watch my watch until we have to split for the next one and stress over traffic.  Winner.

Meeting some of the neighbors

In the long run, I should get over myself and stop projecting.  At our wedding, I was disappointed that some people couldn't let us know they weren't coming when they probably knew months in advance.  One couple even wrote on the RSVP that they were gonig to a block party instead.  Because those annual events are more rare than a once-in-a-lifetime first wedding.

And then there was the husband who said they never got the invitation and had already made plans to go to So-Suede's wedding and didn't recall what time it was so he couldn't be sure if going to both our ceremonies was an option.

The thing is, that option was never on the table.  It probably never occurred to them to do that.  here I am dragging Nightingale to two weddings 30 miles apart and my catholic friends wouldn't attend two weddings less than 3 miles apart.  Note: I'm not saying that decision is a component of being Catholic, that's merely how I identify that particular faction of friends.

Protocol faux pas probably won't be an issue with Gay Marriages

With all the talk about marriage equality this week, it brought to mind some memories of my wedding and some of the weddings I've attended.  We made the decision not to do a receiving line.  Typically, couples stand outside the church and thank everyone as they exit for coming, or they do this at the reception. 

Ostensibly we didn't do it because we wanted to maximize the time for everyone to get from the church to the reception hall.  You just never know how Saturday afternoon/evening traffic will turn out.  We also wanted to have the most time for our pictures.  We thought we would have time at our reception to go around to every table and say thank you, but we didn't.  We still got to talk to our guests, we just had to divide and conquer to cover the whole group.  At first Nightingale was upset about that but in time she came to realize that all weddings have their little hidden snafus and in the grand scheme things it didn't make a difference. 

Two prior weddings that also helped influence the decision were Na's and B's which were less than a year apart.  At Na's wedding in 2009, the first one I brought Nightingale to and sort of officially introduced her to the running crowd, there was an awkward moment in the receiving line outside the church.  The chick in front of us was obviously a close friend of Na's or at least had a lot to say because they started chit-chatting.  Na's husband was left trying to talk to us until Na was done gabbing.  He had met me once perhaps twice and we didn't have much to say to each other beyond congrats and thanks for coming.  In reality it was really just a minute or two but it felt like a week or more.  Note to brides:  your job here is to keep the line moving.

The next year was B's wedding.  She did the receiving line at the reception, although the ceremony was there too so it was one-stop shopping.  I wasn't even going to bother going through the receiving line but we decided at the last minute to do so.  As such, we were the last couple in line.  At the moment we got to B she said "sorry gotta kick you out of here, we need to get into the dining hall."  Her wedding gift dropped 25% in value that moment and I was certain she wouldn't be invited to ours.

I was very pissed because, again Nightingale was just starting to meet and interact with all my running friends and I doubt B would have done that to SHB or anyone else in the group.  Treat me how you want but be respectful to my future fiancé.  Over time I've come to realize that is how B is hardwired.  She values practicality over politeness and function over common fucking sense.

Fast forward a few years and the relationships between Na and I, and B and I are much better thanks to their liking of Nightingale.  B and Na of course aren't speaking to each other and Na has relocated for a job.

Someone Else's Wedding Weekend

The weekend was tied up with DrDrea's wedding activities so we didn't really accomplish too much outside of watching two more people marry the person they love in a country where not everyone is free to do so.

Friday's rehearsal dinner was an adventure that we tried to avoid yet couldn't. Before we left for work that morning, Nightingale was trying to figure out if she should drive or take the El and then the Metra out to La Grange. I asked, with uncanny foreshadowing accuracy: "which do you want to deal with traffic or getting on the wrong train?"

We decided to save the planet for our grandchildren and only take one car to La Grange. Of course Nightingale got on the wrong train, an express to Naperville no less. This definitely supports the argument not to move to the suburbs.

The reason people get on the wrong train at Union Station is because it's designed for people who take the train every day. If you know that 5:43 train leaves from Gate 8 every day, with maybe one exception every 300 days, you don't need a very complicated system.  If you only use the Metra once in a blue moon, you need a big f-ing sign  that says This Is Not the Droid Train You are Looking For.

Even getting to church was a little more stressful than it had to be because of traffic and leaving 10th hour. Because I was doing a reading, skipping the ceremony was not an option. Once my reading was over I could relax and enjoy the ceremony. As it went on, I noticed that the windows were getting darker. I suspected we were going to get some rain -- there go the wedding pictures!

What started out as a hot, hot 90+ degree day became a short term flash flood followed by a cool 70 degree sunny afternoon.   DrDrea kept her cool but she had this look on her face like oh no, what else can go wrong.  She already had tuxedo snafus and bridesmaids todos.

The rain did not last very long, in fact by the time we completed the short drive to the reception, it was sunny again.  The hotel was very elegant and it would have been interesting to see what the rooms looked like.  Unfortunately, we didn't secure a room in time.  They released the block of rooms a month early -- not standard wedding procedure -- because of Lalapolloza.

The next closest hotel down the street required a minimum of two nights stay on the weekend and the rooms cost just slightly less than a iPad.  We decided to curb our drinking and drive home.

Weddings should really be about the two people who are getting married.  And Wedding Receptions should be about the couples having a good time and the single people hooking up.  Unfortunately, it is never that easy.  I only had one single eligible guy friend to invite to my wedding and a table full of single ladies were fighting over him.  Naturally he hooked up with the fun, easy going, exotic indian chick.

At DrDrea's there were a few more single people to go around but I think the challenge was they already knew and weeded each other out.  I think the perfect wedding hookup requires a carefully measured dose of We'll Never See Each Other Again Unless We Want To.  It a hard combination to achieve. 

Weddings and the Workplace

The following is a re-post from an old blog/column I wrote for another medium a long time ago. I've tweaked it a little to bring it up to date while hopefully keeping the content intact.

Bad enough we work together, did you have to seat us at the same table?

Wedding invites at the office are tricky business. Let's say you have a standing arrangements with three co-workers were you pretty much eat lunch together almost every day. Unless you have a really good reason for omitting one of them, it's best to invite them all or none of them to your wedding.  Otherwise, until you change jobs or departments, it makes for an awkward moment in the employee break room.

I’ve been to weddings where I was the only person invited from the office.  I’ve also worked at places where I seemingly was the only person not invited to a wedding.  Most of the time it was simply because I wasn’t close to the person and just didn’t make the cut. I've said before, you cannot invite everyone and hopefully the person getting married is classy enough not to talk incessantly about it in front of your face.   

  

A few years ago, two co-workers at the No-Name Software Company got married the same summer (not to each other). I was invited to one wedding, not to the other. I was perfectly content with not being invited to Jacob's wedding. We were not best buddies and we had little in common other than both having started at the company around the same time. In fact, he’s rather a DBag.  I was a little surprised that he had invited someone else from the office who had only been there a couple months.

Had he invited me however, I would have gone out of some misguided sense of obligation and, as it would turn out, give up a Saturday evening that was better spent at a street festival getting some hottie's phone number [I was single at the time]. Worse yet, I would have shelled out cash for a wedding gift that would be better spent on said hottie.

Hanna on the other hand, did invite me to her wedding. But the difference is we are friends in the sense that we talk about subjects outside the realm of work and even share advice on personal matters. She not only invited me to her traditional Indian wedding, but I also somehow scored an invite to the rehearsal dinner.  It was a little ackward because I didn't know anyone there and no one else from the office was apparently invited. 

Perhaps the culture at the No-Name Software Company simply bred odd behavior.  A few years later I was invited to my co-worker Jacob's wedding.  Jacob and I happened to go to high school together and he also invited our mutual friend Larry, whose parents practically raised him. He said he could not invite Larry's parents because he was at the Wedding Guest Limit. At his reception, he had invited our boss, Director Palpatine, and a couple of other mangers from the office.

I get inviting the Big Boss and your direct manager. It's a good career move and it doesn't hurt when it comes to asking for time off for the honeymoon.  Jacob also invited two goons who were not his direct boss but merely Palpatine's hand-picked band of merry ass kissers. [They all came over to the No-Name Software Company under the Motorola Outreach Program our director implemented the moment he was hired.]

How do you not invite the Parents of your high school best friend in lieu of two people you barely interact with at the office?  You only get one first wedding and what a beautiful way to say thank you to the people who you claim helped raise you and provided a safe place to hang out after school?  It still boggles my mind today.

How to get a good seat at a wedding

The following is a re-post from an old blog/column I wrote for another medium a long time ago. I've tweaked it a little to bring it up to date while hopefully keeping the content intact.

One of the greatest honors a friend can bestow upon another friend is to invite said friend to his wedding. One of the next greatest honors a friend can bestow upon another friend is to not invite them to his wedding.

As I recall from my single days, wedding area single person's nightmare. Between the married couples and the couples who want to be married, a single person can be hard pressed to find a friendly face or even someone to hang out with at a wedding. But at least you know this going in and can prepare for it.

Weddings are supposed to be joyful, momentous, once in a lifetime experiences that are shared with loved ones. However they often turn out to be stressful, expensive and frustrating events that put almost everyone involved on their last nerve.

I've been invited to dozens of weddings in my lifetime. There were some that I couldn't attend due to finances, schedule conflicts and even a broken leg. There were some I shouldn't have attended because I really didn't know the wedding party or there was no open bar. I've even gotten invited to the engagement party yet not the actual wedding. Faux pas or oversight?

The wedding present has evolved over time for me. My friend who got married five minutes after graduating college got screwed because while I did what I could, I just didn't have sufficient income to give them a decent present. Those who waited a few years before tying the knot were able to at least offset the cost of my plate with my wedding gift.

I use to do this thing where I would wait until after the wedding, and then go look at the registry. Usually there are a ton of one-offs like the last two pieces of an 8 piece plate or soup bowl set and I would swoop in and snatch these items. The bride is happy because she now has a complete set of her dishes or wine glasses or whatever.

Nowadays I generally give cash because it's easiest for me and preferred by everyone. Too many times have I seen wedding couples at the end of the night trying to collect a table full of presents that just won't fit in their car trunk. Hint to Guests: spring for the shipping and handling to have the present sent to the happy couple's home before the wedding. They'll appreciate it and you might even get seated at the cool table.

Fri-enemy Mine: One Year Later

It was a year ago this week, that I received the call.  Heck, it might even have been a year ago to the day.  I just recall it was the week after we had all been out for the Krazy Guatemalan's birthday dinner.  I was at the office and my cell phone rang around noon.  It was So-Suede. Even before I answered the call, I knew it couldn't be good news.


Just like this except So-Suede isn't half as attractive as the guy on the right
Credit: http://oneguyrambling.com/

 He called to tell me that there was a last minute opening at Old St Pat's on Oct 1 and that he and his FW (Future Wife) are going to take it.  They had just got engaged on Valentine's Day a few weeks before.  So-Suede said that he didn't want to put off his life any longer and a whole litany of other excuses.  I pointed out that our mutual friends might now have to choose a wedding.  He said that he would be fine whichever wedding anyone chose to go to, but that he was also asking KrazyGuatemalan and QK to be his groomsmen.

At KrazyGautemalan's birthday gathering there was no mention of this by anyone, though I think almost everyone if not everyone knew.  Especially since one mutual friend who use to be very sweet on me kept asking what day were getting married.  So-Suede said that he was still exploring all his options and hadn't really told anyone.  In the same phone call he also said that most everyone he talked to advised him to do what works best for him. 

This isn't the first time he has asked everyone to either pick Team So-Suede or Team Icarus, it's just the largest scale.  The Superbowl if you will.  What hurts is that none of our mutual friends call him on it.  They step back, look away, ignore it.

KrazyGautemalan was supposed to come get a dish washer from me that weekend. There was no phone call or email saying he had a change of plans.  You'd think a free dish washer would merit a text message.  I have not heard from him since his birthday party. No Instant Messenger, no emails, nothing in a year. We did get a obligatory invitation to his wedding along with a card congratulating us.

I'm not well liked or popular with a good portion of our mutual friends.  Some of it is deserved, some of it is inflated payback for God-knows-what.  It is what it is.  I do believe that if the situation were reversed and I got engaged 10 minutes after So-Suede, and had the audacity to pick the same day as he, there would be quite a few so called friends reading me the riot act.  Heck the Collective would have probably burned my house down.

One of the friends who have de-friended me asked me at the time if So-Suede knew what our date was.  He knew because he had a chance to help me secure the engagement ring in September.  He had recommended a jeweler to KrazyGautamalan and I asked for her contact info.  At the time I couldn't understand why it wasn't a matter of simply emailing or texting me the info. So-Suede wanted to make sure it was okay and took about two weeks to get the info to me.  I couldn't wait and went with my Polish Jewelry Shop instead.

So now the question is, what does he do for an encore?  Being the Exiled Pariah from the group, there is no more next game.  By design and by intent, I avoid all the churches I use to church hop.  We didn't recieve an invite to KrazyGautamalen's birthday celebration this year.

Weddings ceremony not as expensive as you think

First, there is hype for something. Then, there's pushback to the hype, in which the thing that got excessively built up gets torn down. Then, there's anti-anti, in which people tired of both the hyping and the tearing-down gather to talk about something else.

Today the overblown/over-blown-away institution is Valentine's Day, but weddings are actually the classic case. They get totally out of control, yes ... but then the "I got married in a burlap sack and served canned beans and it was the best wedding ever" gets out of control, too.

Carolyn Hax – February 10, 2012 11:48 AM

Distance Drea and I were discussing wedding planning the other day.  She's engaged and has been picking my brain about all things wedding related.  I'm trying to be helpful without making her wedding a do-over for ours.  Things will go not-according-to-plan, that's part of weddings like cake and drunk relatives.  Most people wouldn't have it any other way.

Many weddings come with some type of ceremony involving a religious institution.  We made the decision to have a catholic ceremony at a catholic church.  As soon as we committed to that, it seemed like we kept running into that couple that did the "burlap sack and canned beans" thing and held their ceremony in the subway. 

The cost of the church, the pre-cana and the tips for the priest and the organist came to about 2% of the total cost of the wedding. To put that in perspective, let’s say we argued and begged and pleaded and wheeled and dealed and got the church et al to go halves…we would have only save $200. Nothing to sneeze at but nothing to get worked up about either.

Yet people complain about the cost of the church more than anything else. They won't blink at spending an extra two grand on chair covers or an extra $500 on full length tablecloths.

Back in the day when I church hopped, I probably could have had my pick of parishes. Or not.  Each one has its own unique rules for who can get married and when.  I suppose I could be wrong about this, but as far as I know, at least one party has to be Catholic.  While they would prefer both people be catholic (and opposite gender, they insist on that one), I don't know of any church that outright refuses to perform a catholic ceremony as long as one party is a catholic in good standing.

Usually they want you to be a member in good standing for at least a year, which loosely translated means don't sign up a Sunday in May, and come in the following Tuesday asking if the church is available the first Saturday in June.  They'd like you to be a member for at least a year before you book your wedding and then you still have to fit on their calendar which can be filled up a good year in advance, especially churches that don't perform weddings during Advent or Lent.

In 2008, before engagements and weddings were even in the picture, I had the good sense to become a member of the church I was confirmed at, St Vincent de Paul.  Nightingale and I got engaged on Halloween 2010, and when I contacted St Vincent, the first opening they had was late November of 2011 (I don't recall if they had anything earlier because we knew we'd need at least a year to plan and save money). 

In the end went with Polska Misja Duszpasterska w Chicago aka Holy Trinity Polish Mission.  Besides being available and open to non member catholics, it is conveniently located near the expressway and has a huge parking lot -- two things St Vincent's lacks.  It was also important to me to pay homage to my Polish roots because if Poles like me don't, places like Holy Trinity aren't gonna be around.

Losing the Battle but Winning the War

My kind of Luck: so I'm walking to the bus stop one morning and decide to make a phone call. The street is deserted except for one guy about two blocks away pushing a snow blower. I dial the number and switch the phone to my gloved hand while trying to get the other glove back on my dialing hand. There is no answer but I get a voice mail greeting. A very long voice mail greeting. The greeting finally ends and the beep to leave my own message sounds at the same moment I get to the guy with the snowblower such that it drowns out my voice as I'm leaving a message.

**************************
Because the Church doesn't have anything else going on:  During our wedding rehearsal, the priest shocked us with a surprise. He didn't want anyone taking communion if they hadn't been to confession recently. And by recently, he really would have preferred five minutes before our ceremony but recognized that might be unrealistic for heathens like our friends so any time between rehearsal and ceremony would do.

Note: our rehearsal was on a Thursday and Nightingale and I already had to go to confession because it is standard practice...and we were already living in sin.

While it wasn't a concern for our non-Catholic friends, our brothers-in-dogma were stunned.  Back in the day, you had to go to confession before you accepted communion and since you were a good Catholic that attended mass regularly, you were going to confession a lot.

You cannot get into Heaven if you don't have Jesus In you

However, Across the Chicago Archdiocese, that old rule was re-interpreted after Vatican II.  Essentially, you just had to go to confession once a year.

Just before our ceremony, I had a quick conversation with the priest. I explained how a good many of my friends do go to church and that places like Old St Patricks, St Vincent DePaul and even Holy Name don't require confession before every Sunday Mass.

Priest: I know how it is in America.  But that is not the way it should be.

Icarus:  Okay, your church, your rules.

As I expected, during the ceremony, many of my catholic friends did come up to receive communion.  So many in fact that he had to go back to the altar for wafer reinforcements.  We both know that none of my friends went to confession. we both also know that he couldn't exactly call them out about it.

Basically, he won the battle but I won the war.

****************
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Stag Guests may get short end of Wedding Invite

One of more stressful points of wedding planning is the wedding invitation.  Unlike the STD, these have to be a bit more formal.  To be sure, your marriage is not going to last one minute longer if your invitations are addressed as:

Mr. and Mrs. Charles and Lorne Johnson
1234 Jackson Street
Nowhere, IL 60119

or

Mr. & Mrs. Charles Johnson
1234 Jackson St
Nowhere, IL 60119

The biggest risk is that by leaving out Lorne's name, your wedding gift might be less impressive.  Or late.  Or lost in the mail.

You also have to figure out who you're letting bring a date and who has to come stag. The general rule of thumb is every Stag Guest should be able to bring a date.  However, since someone is paying for that seat, some caveats have to be implied or enforced. 

For instance, if your friend Jennifer just started dating a guy two weeks before your wedding, allowing her to bring him means you may not be able to invite someone from the office who just started a few weeks ago but you click with.  Not to mention Jennifer's date is not only someone you don't know, but very likely you'll never see again if she is a serial dater. 

On the other hand, if your friend Patrick is perpetually single and has no chance of even dating someone around the time of your wedding, does it make any sense to waste spend a +One on his invitation when you could theoretically invite the person from the office, assuming she is also terminally single?

In a perfect world, your single friends would get together and, after receiving the STD, inform you that they will come alone or as each other's "dates". It's not a perfect world. Your single friends will hold out hope that they find someone to bring to your wedding before the RSVP is due. 

One option is to figure out how many people each Stag Guest will know at your wedding.  Some out of town guests or that friend from work may not know anyone at your wedding so letting them bring a date is not only kind but downright required. 

On the other hand, someone who knows a lot of people at your wedding is a de facto candidate for being required to come solo.  Chances are they friendly and outgoing and might even be the life of the party.  Besides, there cannot be any wedding hookups if everyone is already spoken for.

Because Protocol demanded it!

The other night Nightingale and I were at a dinner party with two other couples.  Rosa had brought a bottle of vodka as a gift because she is not a big fan of wine.  At least twice the host and hostess asked if they should open the bottle and Rosa politely refused. As Nightingale and Rosa work together, I later learned that Rosa had desperately wanted a vodka drink -- since we were all getting tipsy on wine and no one wants to be the only sober person in a room full of lushes -- but she was too polite to speak up.


The host asks politely if someone wants something, people politely decline, the hostess senses something is wrong because one guest isn't drinking and appears to not be having as good of a time as everyone else. 


This is clearly a case of Protocol Biting you in the Ass. 


It kind of reminds me of the wedding invitation thing.  Someone asked me what the protocol is when you get invited to a wedding you cannot or don't wish to attend.  Here's a dirty little secret about weddings.  In your heart of hearts, you'd like to invite the world to your wedding.  Unfortunately, budgets and venues have limits. Even the kardashians had to set some sort of limit and there is always a subset of friends that were not invited (read: multi-tier B-List).


And it sucks to have to pick someone over someone else.  As I've said before, weddings are a snapshot of your life at a particular point in time.  Is it fair that someone you've only known for a short time but hang out with all the time bumps a close friend from the past that you haven't seen in years (or even decades)?So while the couple may feel sad that you cannot attend, they will feel worse if you hold a seat at their wedding hostage until the eleventh hour only to send your regrets after it is too late to tactfully invite someone ones.  I feel that if you know you are being invited to a wedding and cannot make it, you should let the couple know as soon as possible.


I've been invited to some weddings were I can only imagine they needed to balance the single person quota or a relative died and a seat had to be filled. I've also been "snubbed" and been the only one in a group that wasn't invited. So  I try not to take it personally.  I say try because I am human and it does sting to be excluded.

Of the people we invited, there were a few people who declined for various reasons. A few broke protocol and actually wrote on the return card why they could not come. Whether its an invitation to a backyard cookout or the Wedding of the Century, a simple yes or no is all that is required. Oversharing is Overkill.
With our wedding there was one couple we didn't invite in lieu of another.  Had I know Couple A was going to decline for one of the fucking lamest reasons of all time, I would have been able to invite Couple B.  Now Couple A avoids us at parties because they cannot look us in the face and Couple B avoids us because they are pissed. 


In their hearts they were probably trying to cushion the blow but here's the thing: sharing what you are doing besides attending one of the most important days of our life isn't cushioning the blow. It's tacky at best and drama-Queen-esque at worse. You're in danger of taking something about someone else and making it about you.

I know this much about weddings

The Wedding is one day, the Marriage is, hopefully, forever.  This is the mantra that gets many a bride and groom through the planning stages of a wedding.  The Wedding Report, an industry publication, reports that the average wedding costs $29,000 in the U.S:

http://www.theweddingreport.com/bz/index.php/weddings-and-average-wedding-cost-1945-to-2010/

Here's what I've learned about planning a wedding and would tell myself if I could get in a Delorean and go back in time.

1)  Someone is paying for that wedding. Whether its you, the Bride's parents, Elmo or a combination thereof, if you think that you might possibly have some type of celebration to commemorate your marriage, start saving immediately -- even before you find your future spouse. 

Some people have parents who have put aside money for them. This is great.  However, your parents might get laid off before retirement or have some medical emergency and that money you were counting on is gone. Or your parents can only give so much money yet you want extras like chair covers, floor length table clothes
and a deejay who will show up.  These things cost extra.  Start saving.  Now.

The worst that can happen is you use that money elsewhere -- home downpayment, kickass honeymoon, Bourbon and strippers, whatever.

2)  Wedding Vendor Cartel and price fixing.  Wedding vendors want large non-refundable deposits upfront and they often incentivize you to pay cash.  After all, if you are going to pay $1000 for flowers but will receive a 20% discount ($200) if you pay cash, how can you refuse. With some of the vendors, you end up paying 80-100% of the cost before the wedding date.  The good part is you don't have to deal with it on your wedding day.  The bad part is, you are sweating bullets that everything will go off without a hitch.

3)  The Point of No Return.  When you add up the cost of a wedding versus flying to Vegas and having Elvis marry you, the difference is staggering.  Still there comes a point when you realize that even if you forfeited all the deposits and grabbed the next flight out to Vegas, you would still come out ahead cost-wise.

3a) The Real Point of No Return. Then you reach a point where you've hemeraged so much money and have little to show for it, unless you actually go through with the wedding.  This is the riskiest moment.

Say for instance, your wedding photographer skips out on your wedding because she went to a Rave the night before and woke up in some other city.  Sure you have a contract and can go through the long, lengthy legal process of getting your money back.  What you cannot do is get in that Delorean and go back and pick a more dependable photographer.  Your marriage is still legit though starting off on a stressful note, but your wedding is ruined.

Jumping through hoops

A guy and a girl can have sex and end up getting pregnant.  Assuming they opt to keep the child, no one disputes that they are going to conceive another life form.  However, if they participate in some style of wedding ritual, there is a chance they could go through the entire process and ceremony, only to have someone say the whole thing is invalid.

Someone might come along and say "well your marriage isn't recognized because you forgot to provide proof of baptism," or "you didn't check the box that said you have never been married before," or "there was an error on your marriage license."

So far we have still on target for completing all the hoops we have to go through, but they keep adding new ones.  Last week we met with a priest to go over some of the requirements.  While there, we managed to check off Canical Talk with Priest.  However, he threw a new one my way that wasn't mentioned in November when we first met.

Apparently since I'm technically a member of another church -- one that wasn't available anytime near the century date we wanted to get married -- I have to get permission from them to get married in another Catholic Church.  You'd think this would be a slam dunk.  After all, what if I wasn't a member of any church here in Chicago, like my fiance? 

Getting the form filled out from Church1 for Church2 is not a big deal.  Having to jump through this hoop makes me wonder what other hoops will come along.

Marathon Training and Wedding Planning

I am not spending my summer training for a marathon. It's not the first time I've taken a summer off, but this is certainly a rarity for me. Instead I'm using the time to pursue some long shelved hobbies, oh and plan a wedding.

At first glance, weddings and marathons have little to do with each other. One is a 26.2 mile race and the other is a celebration that launches (hopefully) a lifetime together. You can train for and run many marathons over the course of a lifetime but you probably only want one wedding (unless you are Liz Taylor or Hugh Heffner).  But they do have some things in common. They both take a lot of time and preparation and they both can set you up for big expectations.

Marathon training is typically 18 weeks of following a running schedule and tacking on miles. In theory you eat right and make other sacrifices that conflict with summertime fun and an active social life. You buy a couple pairs of expensive running shoes and eat a lot of pasta. 

Weddings take an average of 1 year to plan. You usually have to book your venue this far in advance because everyone else has booked their wedding.  You hire a photographer, buy/rent expense clothing and eat a lot of pasta (Italian weddings only!).

Yes you can plan a wedding in a short amount of time or elope, and sure you could simply sign up for a marathon, do no training and show up on race day in your running shorts. Both of these options will give you a different experience than the traditional route.

When you've run as many marathons as I have, you expect a certain outcome. Yeah, it's an accomplishment just to finish, and that gets you through the first couple of marathons. But by the time you've racked up a dozen marathons or so, you have different expectations. You cannot help it. Simply finishing the race isn't enough, you want something to show for your weeks of blood, sweat and carbo loading. The race may not be a BQ* or even a new PR*, but you expect to have a decent enough run that you can be proud of.

Back to the wedding. The wedding is a just a day and the marriage is what's important. Future wife and I get that. That doesn't mean we don't want the day to be special for both us and our guests.

Weddings and marathons can be thwarted by events completely beyond your control. A hot day may blow your race day results.  A drunk photographer will impact the quality of the pictures from your special day. Being too drunk in either will not bode well at all.

In the end, you really cannot control everything for either the marathon or the wedding.  All you can do is plan for your day and hope for the best.


*******
BQ: Boston Qaulifying Time.
PR: Personal Record i.e. best marathon time you have acheived.

Save The Dates are transmitted

So this week's wedding related project is getting our Save-The-Date (STD) information out the door. Since you have to pay your financially responsible for every guest that shows up, giving them a six month head start not to make other plans seems kinda self defeating. But protocol demands it.

Wedding invitations and the accompaning STDs are the last vestigates of snail mail. If it were up to me, I'd use Facebook to do the work. And in about 5 years, that might be the norm. In fact I had the brilliant idea of skipping all that and sending out an Evite. We could have used the hide-the-guest list option so that everyone could comment back with their snail mail address and we'd have them all in one convienent place to forget about 4 months from now when we send out the actual invitations.

Apparently Emily Post was spinning in her grave because that idea was nixed by a completely unscientific poll of a few friends and two street wise vendors. I guess part of the fun of planning a wedding involves the task of hunting and gathering all these snail mail addresses and trying to figure out the proper way to spell someone's last name, their proper title and the real name of the person we've affectionately referred to as the Krazy Guatamalan all these years.

We also had to decide what exactly we were sending out. Do we send an ordinary post card, or a little note or something kitchy like a button with our engagement photo on it. This was one area that I chimed in. Most guys don't care about little details like the color of the table napkins, the font of the wedding program, or the guest list. Some guys only care that the biggest day of their life -- outside of the NFL draft pick -- doesn't conflict with a playoff game of their favorite sports team. I've carefully picked my moments on when to ask/insist/request something and when to let my better half make the decision.

I'd like to say that I put my foot down and said we absolutely are not sending everyone a chessey picture of us. But the truth is, I not only don't have a problem with that but think its one of the few moments in life when it is 110% absolutely all about you. The reason we didn't go with an engagement photo is becuase we just didn't have our act together enough to get one printed in time to get the STDs out.

I did insist on magnets however. Even though it goes against every fiber of my don't spend more money than you have to DNA i figured at least a magnet would serve a purpose beyond reminding people of our wedding date and website. Years from now, people will still have their grocery list supported on their fridge with our magnet.

Crowd Sourcing Fail

People mean well, but they often execute poorly: So I posted on FB the other day "Any ideas/recommendations for banquet halls or restaurants for a reception in or near the city?"

Let's just say I got the results I expected. Not expected as in several recommendations for places in or near the city -- I did get some of those -- but expected as in people stretching the definition of near the city and listing places that are not banquet halls, restaurants or even venues that could hold a reception if you tried.

Someone PM'd me, saying something along the lines of "if you have a favorite restaurant, you should ask them if they could do it."

Thanks Lieutenant Logic, because when I asked for restro recommendations, it never occurred to me to consider one of our favorite places.  Another person suggested two places but didn't know the names, only a vague location. I'll get right on that one.

I use to get more irritated when friends would do that but I've learned that it's not only the nature of Facebook but it's also the nature of people.  Most really do want to help but they just have a different view of what that help should be.