Thursday, August 13, 2015

Post About Apologies

This is something my friend Patricia wrote on her Facebook page July 31st.  I've never met Patricia in person but we connected back when Mysteries of Life was on, she was one of the four people who followed (or whatever they called it back then) my blog.

I wanted to write up some thoughts to go along with it but instead I think I will just post it with some select comments other than to say this:

I've had more than one friend Ghost on my because they just couldn't deal with me offending them, but could not be bothered to explain what I did to offend them in the first place.  It's a real bullshit move; you did something I perceive as wrong, but I'm not gonna bother to explain what it was because it is so obvious (to me).  After all, there are no repercussions for my actions.

An apology by definition is "a regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure." But how often do we really get or give apologies that fall under this definition? " I was wrong, and I'm sorry I hurt your feelings," is not the same as "I'm sorry your feelings were hurt." See what I did there? I think one of the reasons many of us are uncomfortable with expressing our hurt to those we consider friends, is because secretly we sense that by calling them out on how they've hurt us, there's a chance they will hurt us a second time by their response to our doing just that. Does that make sense? This is why it doesn't pay to wait to say, "Hey--I didn't like that." Because we all make mistakes, and it's best to put them out on the table as soon as they occur,so that we learn early, before we're too involved in the friendship, whether this so-called "friend" truly made a "mistake," or whether he or she is just in the relationship for a self-serving reason. Like maybe you think you have a friend, but she thinks you have a car and she doesn't want to take the bus to work...
Posted by Patricia V. Davis on Friday, July 31, 2015
William Donelson Fully-realised individuals take responsibility for all they do. When we make a mistake, or hurt someone, we apologise directly and try to make amends. We grow and learn, and then we forgive ourselves and move on.

Patricia V. Davis Thea, it's a slap in the face. You go to an individual, already uncomfortable that you have a grievance that you feel squirmy about airing, because you know no one likes criticism and hey--you care about this person. But at the same time, you have too much respect for yourself to ignore the hurt this person has done. And what do you get for your pains? They treat it like YOU and only you are the problem. Yuck.
Patricia V. Davis And personally, if I'm the one offending someone, I want to know, so I can fix it. I hate it when someone 'ghosts' on me, because then I can't learn what I might have done to hurt them. I try my best not to hurt people, but sometimes, when a life gets busy, we can be neglectful or careless without meaning to. That's why a heads up is important. I care about my friends, but I'm human and need to know from them when I screw up, so I can make amends.

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