Some Random Thoughts

My cats seem to have an implicit agreement between them not to cuddle with the same human being at the same time. This was not always the case and I definitely remember it not being the case with our previous cats.  Elsa has become more of a cuddy cat than she used to be but still isn't a heavy snuggler like Ryder.

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You meet the same people in different forms throughout life.  In college, I met a guy named Troy on the first day of moving into the dorms.  He seemed like a good enough guy but there was something that my spidey sense said don't get too close.  In retrospect, I should have hung out with him more.  

20 years later, on my first day of orientation at a new job, I met Greg W.  We became work friends and there are definitely some similarities between Greg and Troy.  

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I have a related strange theory.  The light at the end of the tunnel we see when we die is actually us going through the birth canal and being born into a new life (or C-section or whatever form we are born unto).  

But here's the thing: we get to take a tiny portion of our knowledge, experience, wisdom, or whatever.  but really tiny.  that's why some people are naturally good at math or writing, etc. and maybe you can trade for looks and athletic skills, I don't make the rules.  it's just a theory.

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 I often wake up in the middle of the night and remember some random memory and it is so cringe.  I really was born with two strikes and played against people born on 2nd and 3rd base.  

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In case it's not obvious, I am not a fan of #elfontheshelf.  When I was a kid, if a doll moved in your house, you cut that Fucker up before it could multiply and burned it for good measure.  luckily, we only have a week left of this nonsense.

We didn't have EOS when I was growing up.  And until we had children, I only had an obtuse cursorial understanding of what it was.  It seems it started out innocently enough: you moved a doll around the house after putting your kids to bed (instead of doing anything that might lead to more kids) and each morning they would try to find it (instead of getting ready for school).  

But someone, I suspect the mommy bloggers (what we currently call influences) had to take it to the next level.  They came up with elaborate concepts and designs and you are a lesser parent if your kid doesn't have a good story to share at school.  

I didn't get the choice to opt-in or out of it.  But this year Nightingale has decided that I have to come up with some ideas.  The thing is, there are no Easy Elf On The Shelf ideas.  If you google and find an article with 25 ideas, each one just has that one thing you don't have in house to make it work.

Election Aftermath

Donald Trump managed to repeat history and become the second U.S. president ever to return to the Oval Office after losing reelection four years earlier. (The first was Grover Cleveland in 1893.) 

While he lost the (irrelevant) popular vote the first two times he ran for office, he won it this time, along with the necessary Electoral College votes.

To say we are disappointed is an understatement. We knew our votes didn't really matter in Mississippi-Stan. Our in-laws alone canceled our votes 2-1. But there was a glimmer of hope these last few weeks, and to use the coin of the phrase, we were nauseously optimistic. 

In the days and weeks to come, Pundits will explain why Kamala Harris lost to the Fanta Menace.  Among the list will be:

• Racism
• Misogyny
• Muslim and Arab Americans disappointment with Biden's policy re: Israel and Palestine
• The democratic party's inability to appeal to the progressive left
• Voter suppression
• gerrymandering
• 3rd party siphoning votes
• Not having a legitimate primary where people could truly choose the nominee

It's a combination of all of the above.

Furthermore, he has the House the Senate, and SCOTUS.  We are truly screwed.

My Current Existential Crisis

I've never been very good at setting boundaries and putting my foot down when it comes to the people I call friends.  I mean I eventually do it but by the time I do, it's too late.  They are like hey when I kicked you in the stomach last week you didn't say anything, why are you making a big deal about it now?

I wrote about this last year.

We talked in January for her birthday but not since.  I figured time just moved quickly for her and she was waiting for my birthday for our next live talk.    Her text didn't mention calling to chat, but her card did, so a few days later I texted about it.  She said she's on a crazy schedule for the next few weeks and would let me know when she catches a break.  

I got a birthday text and a card from Jewel last week.  In the card she wrote that it has been way too long since we talked and wants to catch up in 3 weeks after her daughter's wedding.  So let's unpack this.  She couldn't find a few minutes in the last 49 weeks to chat with me for 20-30 minutes and now is too busy for the next three weeks.  And then she will want to talk about her daughter's wedding.  

seems appropriate

A few years ago, when I lost my job at Big Audit, I sent an email to a small group of friends I thought gave a shit.  Most responded.  One person didn't.  But a month later I was on Gmail at the same time and she said "Sorry you lost your job."  if I hadn't been online at the exact same time I might never have heard from her.  

I get that email isn't her thing, though she works in Corporate America and certainly works with email.    She could reply with a "Hey sorry this happened, you know I'm not a big emailer but if you want to jump on Gchat, I'm available. "  But her way has to carry the day. 

Our friendship was damaged (technically a 2nd time but I won't go into that). 

Back to Jewel.  Chances are good it will slip her mind.  She's not big on Social Maintenance and perhaps once enough time passes, she will forget like last year.  On the other hand, she keeps the number of friends around her small because she's not big on Social Maintenance and Friendship Obligations.  She likely has bored to death anyone she interacts with Tales of Wedding Planning.  

And this is where I have to decide what I want to do.  I could take the call and the crumbs she throws me occasionally so that I have someone to talk to in my Southern Isolation.  Or I could punt it away with my own unavailability.  I could tell her how she hurt me but all that will happen is she might acknowledge, apologize, promise and then never reach out again.  

It's very hard to make friends in adulthood

A blogger friend posted something that intrigued me.  Her blog is private so I cannot simply link to it.  I'd like to screenshot or quote because I was taught to give credit where credit is due, but I also understand her desire for privacy.  

(I also have noticed that when I VagueBook and come back to read something years later, I don't remember who I was speaking about).  Therefore I will link on the off chance she ever reverts her blog back to public.  [Ironically, when I started blogging, she told me that most people don't care about your little corner of the internet.]

So Alex wrote that she tried to make friends by joining a book club but it was unsuccessful for various reasons.  In no particular order, it wasn't the drink wine and forget about the book after 5 minutes type of B-club; She missed a few meetings because of work; She doesn't like Fiction and the members already have their Friends Slots filled and only want to discuss the book.

As someone who has both organized and participated in Adult Playground Activities, I can relate.  Sometimes no matter how friendly, engaging, and/or open you are, people just aren't receptive.  They have their TopFive Friends and don't have any slots left for anyone new.

Other times it's some minor criteria like you just weren't attractive enough.  Or you didn't show up consistently.  people don't want to invest in someone who isn't gonna show up next meeting.  

Sometimes the problem is more nuanced.  If you don't have that friend to tell you that you have no sense of humor or a stick up your butt, you're not gonna figure it out on your own.  Of course some friends don't see that side of you.  Or some friends do but they are friends for other reasons and that side isn't a liability.  Finally, people take the path of least resistance and it's easier just reducing your time with someone then telling them, "Why yes, you do have a stick up your butt".

I've been told on more than one occasion that I'm so negative. My defensive self wants to argue that I'm just realistic and pragmatic, but that is self-defeating.  The truth is I'm negative but not always negative.  But once you get a reputation for being negative, people look at everything in a negative lens.

A friend posted something about a neighbor giving her a free meal.  I joked that now she has to listen to her speech about essential oils.  Is this negative?  everyone makes Essential oil jokes.  But said friend was working off years of other darker comments.  If we are being fair said friend is also a bag of crazy kittens herself.

It got me thinking about the P10s and other running groups I've been part of.  it didn't occur to Nirodivergent me at the time but there was definitely a hierarchy/caste system.   When certain people had parties, members would skip their parent's funeral to join.  But when I had one, I'd get some very ungracious responses.

COW: Prayer after soccer games

My Crisis of the Week is this:  after the game, my daughter's soccer coach gets the kids together in a post-game huddle.  He says a prayer.  Of course, anyone who doesn't want to participate can sit there quietly.  

If I say anything, my daughter might be targeted. I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I came along and uttered a Muslim or Jewish prayer. God, I hate this state.  maybe I should find a church down here and start playing soccer during the homily. 

Playing in the rain...and mud

I acknowledge that I'm disproportionally upset about this.  I've known about it for a few weeks and Natasha is fine with just sitting there silently.  I think I'm really upset because of all the other things going on. 

I'm not allowed to vent in the traditional ways.  I don't even have anyone to vent to down here.  And Nightingale has censored me and chided me when I do rage out.  

Voting Against my best interest

For some reason, this story from deep within my memory banks rose to the surface recently.  One semester at NMSU, I was in a Differential Equations class. This was a class that was mostly comprised of Physics Majors like my friend B-Gill, and Engineering Majors like myself.  There might have been a math major or two, although I don't think it was a requirement.

Anyway, the Prof decided to let the class decide how the final exam would focus: Physics problem heavy or Engineering problem heavy.  I think that meant that more questions would be Physics-oriented than straightforward Engineering problems.  

I was struggling with the Physics type problems but doing fine with the Engineering ones.  Most of the Physics students could go either way, including B-Gill.  When it came time to vote, I don't remember how close it was, if we were told at all, but B-Gill chose Physics.  

That our exam was Physics Heavy cost me an A.  Meanwhile, B-Gill, who had missed some exams because of sickness, had a chance to score an A for the semester just by getting an A on the last and most important test of the class.  

I don't know why this came up in my MindFeed upon waking up in the middle of the night as I often do.  I'm sure I displayed some disappointment at B-Gill for not casting a vote to help me out.  He was gonna get an A no matter what the questions were.  

Nice Try Though

last week my in-laws gave us their tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.  It was a date night but because it was last minute, so many things went wrong.

The good:  loved the pyro-techno part.

|The Bad: some of the slow songs (something about a train) were boring.

The Ugly: after the "Christmas story" was over, the lead came out and said "I know it's a school night but we are gonna play a couple of songs from our newest album.

I was under the impression that there would be two more songs and it would be over.  but they just kept playing.  and playing ..and playing.  

IF I had known the encore was gonna go on for an hour, that would have been one thing.  but I felt like they were just gonna play one more song and then we could go.  so I was trapped.

when the concert finally ended, it took a ridiculous amount of time to exit the FedEx Arena because 1) a lot of Slow Moving People and 2) The Powers that be decided that everyone should exit the way they came in....one exit location for 7200 people.  

A step in the right direction

First, a story.  When we were getting married NG and I did the wedding protocol.  We sent out Save-the-dates and subsequently, wedding invites.  A particular person was dodgy on providing their address the first time I asked and I should have taken that as a hint.

Fast forward, on our wedding invite RSVP they wrote that not only couldn't they attend, they couldn't attend because they had a block party they had to be at.  As someone who has been accused of being tactless, not reading the room, social manners lite, etc, I fail to understand why people overshare shit like this.  What is the thought process?  why share that the most important day of my life gets trumped by a bouncy house and drunk neighbors!  And the kicker?  this asshat went through a wedding themself so they should know how precious each limited seat is.

Now to the present.  Another friend is getting married soon and we are invited to the wedding.  It's impractical to attend, especially since we have had plans to be in Chicago two weeks prior.  But there is also the "this friend has been on radio silence" for a bit factor.

Dark Icarus would look at it like, oh you reach out when you need something from me but have ignored my texts and messages.  But trying to be a better person Icarus is thinking that the right thing to do here is not hold a seat hostage until the last minute.   

So I declined the invite well in advance of the RSVP date.  

This house has some serious electrical issues

 The other day I noticed the deck lights didn't turn on automatically.  We only have an outlet on one side of the deck, from which we run two power strips.  We have the deck lights and a few other things connected to these.

After some light investigation, I determined that the outlet wasn't providing any power.  Unfortunately, troubleshooting requires turning the junction boxes on and off and that isn't something I can do when Nightingale is working.  Last night I finally got a chance and while that didn't solve the problem, it did point me in the right direction.  We have a light switch in the kids' room that always throws a breaker on the circuit board.  I flipped it on, then reset the breaker, and then the deck lights worked again.

BUT...last night one of our Air Conditioning units stopped working.  The air was coming out but it wasn't cold.  After a bit of troubleshooting, I determined it was the same problem as last year.  In fact, it has been 11 months since a repairman charged me $240 to fix it.  

• $70 for a capacitor (they average $20)
• $50 for freon (this was just a precaution)
• $120 for labor, about half an hour of work IIRC.

I wanted to avoid that this time so I will replace the capacitor myself.  Amazon had one and I could have had it here tomorrow between 4 am and 8 am but I needed to find one more item for $1.10.  I could have selected literally anything, even two capacitors ($23.90 ea), and returned it.  But I wanted to find something we could use.  It indicated that I had until 5 pm to place the order so I put it down to go deal with feeding my kids lunch.

at 2:30 I picked this up again and now no option for tomorrow is available.  the earliest will be sometime Saturday and it might bleed over into Sunday.  I don't know if it is because Amazon just baits and switches the rapid delivery or because we live in such a shithole state that they only deliver here when it is convenient for them.

Update from the future:  While getting an estimate for a water tank replacement, the person was able to troubleshoot my AC and figured it was just the circuit breaker.  Since I had already tried that, I'm gonna say that the problem was the Capacitor and the breaker.

This is what prompted it

here is the original post

 

And the comment thread that ended a superficial friendship  

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Just putting this here

During my stint as a SAHD, I learned that I am not cut out to be a full time caregiver to my children. a couple hours sure, but not 12 hrs a day, seven days a week.

That said, I learned a few things in the almost 3 months of doing it that my mom has not.  She still doesn't realize that putting the kids in their chairs before their meal is ready is just asking for them to start crying.  

Doing the SAHD thing for 2.5 months was not been easy.  Because I'm home my kids want my attention.  I don't have a separate office with a door I could close (my office became my kids room don't say I don't sacrifice for my chillin') so I have to work in the living room where they are.  When feasible I do take the laptop in the basement for calls but this is very cumbersome.

The real stressor is my mom of course.  She is here helping and doing the lion share of the work while I take calls in the morning.  But she does a lot of things that not only annoy me, but seem to annoy me by design.

Can someone please fucking invent a fucking dishwasher setting that tells you the last time the machine was run?  We are constantly trying to figure out if the load of dishes are clean or dirty.  You'd think this would be obvious but because we rinse everything before we put it in the dishwasher, it isn't always easy to tell.

Why do we rinse everything before putting it in the dishwasher? Because either our dishwasher or water pressure or both are not sufficient to do a good cleaning job unless we pre-rinse which I feel defeats the purpose of having a dish washer in the first place.   At that point you may as well wash the dish yourself.

Weekends of Hell

All this sleep deprivation now is in anticipation of walking over you later

So the good news is that Moose & Squirrel are finally sleeping through the night.  At least when they aren't teething or sick or anything out of the ordinary.  The bad news is that they are waking up much earlier than they should.

They are almost 9 months old now and just a few months ago, they would still get up in the middle of the night wanting a bottle or losing a pacifier or wanting to know the score of the Blackhawks game before they would go back to sleep. On a very rare occasion, I'd be able to get up before the twins did and go for a quick treadmill run.  Now that they are sleeping through the night but getting up earlier, there is no exercise option and my weight is showing it.

After dealing with the kids, often times Nightingale and/or I couldn't fall back asleep and we'd literally be awake until just before the time we needed to get up for work, at which time we'd finally drift back to sleep and hate everything when the alarm went off.


My mom is the only living relative in the Tri-state area that can help us with Moose & Squirrel.  Therefore she typically comes over in the evening to help us.  This was a godsend during some of the rougher nights over the last few months although not as much help as it should have been.  For one thing, Nightingale still wakes up even when my mom gets to the kids.  Then she has a tough time getting back to sleep.  Or sometimes I do.  Also, it is quite the a toll on my mom because of her age, she is zonked after too many consecutive nights.

Typically, my mom stays during the week and goes home on the weekends.  This doesn't make a lot of sense because 1) we need more help on the weekends than in the two hours before bedtime, even when they weren't sleeping through the night, 2) my mom is retired so her weekend can be any two days of the week. 

We finally broached this subject with her and suggested that maybe she could come over on the weekends and take a couple days off during the week.  She agreed, but then somehow I inevitably pissed her off by not calling an National Emergency when she was unable to connect to the internet with the iPhone we bought her. #firstworldproblems

So we basically are spending most of our weekends in Survival Mode on Steroids and me hating everything because I cannot deal with many of the home maintenance issues that come up.  Some of the things I need to do are weather specific; either they need to be done when it isn't raining or I don't want to do them when it's summer and 90+ degrees out.

Moving some friends to the Practice Squad

It's too much work to be his friend. In my post-college years, that phrase was used a lot to describe me. Looking back through the lens of time, I have to admit sometimes it really did apply. I could be stubborn, overbearing and say things without thinking. Other times the conflict came when I'd challenging the status quo by standing up for myself. Still other times it was the other person waiving their freak flag justifying their dysfunction.

Today I have a couple of friends that the ROI doesn't meet the LOE necessary to maintain the friendship. It bothers me because it seems so hypocritical to give up on someone without giving them a chance to right the "friend" ship or even let them know what their trespass is. On the other hand I've also learned in my old age that people don't change unless something really shifts their paradigm. Even if you had a Pensieve from the Harry Potter World, and played back the unbiased account of their trespass, they wouldn't see it that way.

 This segment of Getting It Off Your Chest features one friend in questions is guilty of getting upset when I treat him the way he treats me. He overstates my slights against him and dismisses the same slights on his behalf as being overly sensitive. He moves the goal posts. Over the years his modus operandi is: He comes up for air every so often and expects me to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to getting together. More than half the time he cancels 11th hour citing some excuse but with little to no acknowledgement of wasting my time. That's the other thing. Any problems, concerns or Life Challenges you might have on your plate at any moment should be put on the back burner when he wants to get together. But if there is something going on in his world, how dare you suggest the band play on.





I introduced a new segment here on Mysteries of Life called Getting It Off Your Chest. The ideas is to write a short post about some Past Trespass on the behalf of a Friend-Who-Really-Isn't. Not to bitch, whine and moan but to move on by gaining some closure. I invite readers to share their experiences as well.

Thread-jacking Narcissist has deeper unresolved issues

I introduced a new segment here on Mysteries of Life called Getting It Off Your Chest. The ideas is to write a short post about some Past Trespass on the behalf of a Friend-Who-Really-Isn't. Not to bitch, whine and moan but to move on by gaining some closure. I invite readers to share their experiences as well.

This segment of Getting It Off Your Chest features a friend who is guilty of constant thread-jacking which is veiled narcissism, but there is more to it underneath the hood. This friend hands you her resume without you asking. It's one thing to find something in common and talk about it, but to
constantly make it about you is just means someone didn't get enough hugs as a child. This friend can sit at the table at brunch and tell a half dozen of us a story. If someone else shows up, without missing a beat she can start the story all over again. I cannot easily do that. I feel guilty at making the first six people re-listen to my story that they were likely just being polite listening to in the first place. In the words of Cordelia Chase of Buffy fame, this friend really needs to get over it.

God! What is your childhood trauma?! Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.

The truth is this friend is a bit of a hot mess sometimes and an emotional bag of unpetted kittens the rest of the time.


Even a dog expects to be fed One of the things I do bring to the table is, I'm a very good listener. I seldom interrupt when someone is telling a story -- unless I've heard if for the 586th time, then i might ask you to skip some parts -- and I try to avoid offering a solution 60 seconds after hearing a problem you've been working on for several weeks. However, this does not come free. If I'm going to listen to your drivel and BS, I expect you to return the favor.

One member can consistently do 90% of the listening and only 10% of the talking, and in situations where most of the talking is about life problems, what’s happening is a one-sided therapy situation, with a badly off-balance give-and-take ratio, and that’s not much of a friendship—it’s someone using someone else. -- Source

It doesn't have to be story for story, it can be slightly out of balance, like one of my stories/problems/rants to 4 or 5 of yours. But if you cut me off or suddenly have to get going, then guess what: my ears will no longer be available to hear your bs.

Former Friends let me down

As part of the new category I want to start writing about, here's a situation I found myself in some time ago and I've struggled with moving past it, with minimal success.  I won't mention who Friend1, Friend2 and Friend3 are but I've got other aliases for them here.  Mostly I'm sharing this for posterity because someday Moose and Squirrel may find themselves in a similar situation.

Friend1 sent out an email to two mutual friends and myself.  Friend1 has access to box seats at a sporting event and we have a choice of dates but we need to jump on this pronto.  Friend2 writes back that either date is good for him.  I write back suggesting that the second date would work best for me. Now the fun begins. 

About 12 hours later Friend3 chimes in.  He responds to the email from Friend2 and suggests the first date because he will be out of town for the second date.  Friend1 says he'll check to see if that date is still available and asks if I can make it.  I check and cannot get that day off of work.  Somehow the date that worked for me was forgotten and Friend2 got to go to the event.  Did Friend3 not see my email?  Unknown.  Did Friend3 manipulate the situation so he could go?  also unknown.

Do Friend1 and Friend2 have the smallest penises in the world for pretending not to notice what Friend3 did?  Absolutely.  Either one of them could have simply replied to Friend3's email and said "hey what about what Icarus said regarding his availability?"  Instead they dropped back to watch and see how it would play out.

Getting It Off Your Chest

I'd like to introduce a new category here on Mysteries of Life called Getting It Off Your Chest.  The ideas is to write a short post about some past slight, trespass or other injustice committed on the behalf of a Friend-Who-Really-Wasn't.

It could be that time your roommate chose to go to a movie instead of help you celebrate your milestone birthday; it could be the friend who made you leave a cool party before you scored someone's phone number because they had to leave now; it could be someone promised to help you move and then didn't answer their phone all weekend.

The mitigating criteria being that the statute of limitations for bringing it up to said friend has very likely long since expired but you are still traumatized by it for some reason.   The purpose isn't to bitch, whine and moan but to move on by gaining some closure.

Note:  I will probably mirror this category over at ChicagoNow but the difference is here the posts will be more raw and uncensored. 

I invite readers to share their experiences as well.